This week the rough patch I have been going through culminated in a new nadir. I finally reached the bottom of the rock in my life (or at least it feels that way). The only consolation I have is that the ground that I stand on seems firm again (rock solid literally) and I can pick myself back up. Yet perhaps this feeling is merely an illusion which confounds my senses. I ponder: Am I still sinking in quicksand, which slowly entombs me? Or am I adrift like flotsam in an ocean gyre? Only time will tell I suppose. For now I must trust my instincts that I will eventually arrive at a better place. Ideally sooner rather than later.
I must confess this past year has felt like a long freefall into an abyss of oblivion, which has recently hit terminal velocity. Yet suprisingly, inwardly, despite this chaos, a calmness has swept over me. It is in fact more like a quiet resignation. An acceptance that I must go through this period of burning off of the dead wood in my soul to make way for the next step in my spiritual journey. Perhaps that is why I feel sometimes as if am on fire! As if everything around and within me is ablaze. Whatever survives this purging by flame I shall keep with me, and what does not remain was simply deadwood meant to be burnt off. Burning and falling. Falling and burning.
Regardless of how things turn out I will continue to hold my head high for I know my suffering is not in vain. I have chosen the less well trodden path of truth and I intend to stay the course till the end. My only comfort is that I know God is watching over me. He sees everything and knows the ultimate truth. It does not matter what other people think about me. I do not fear their judgement, I only fear God. More updates to come soon, including the latest on Children of the Ocean God. Stay tuned! S.D.G.
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